Friday, December 25, 2009 # Friday, December 25, 2009
Jokes...
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a
McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When your involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off
15. A day without sunshine is like night.
16. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
17. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
18. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
19. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
20. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
21. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
22. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
23. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
24. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
25. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
26. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
27. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
28. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
29. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
30. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
31. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
32. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
33. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
34. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
35. Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience
36. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way
37. Experience is the hardest teacher ever, she gives the test first then the lesson afterwards
